It seems almost impossible that an entire year has slipped by already. A year ago this past Sunday, April 3, 2015, was when my husband moved out of our home. At the time I thought I'd be just fine. But, underneath, I also thought it would be quite difficult. Both were pretty much true.
There were plenty of things to keep me busy...like all the un-done chores and painting and setting up a daily schedule for Chores and my huge To Do List. There was time I took just for myself...to heal my heart. There was time that I devoted to my 3 Pups...to get them through the first couple of months of them missing their "daddy"...and driving me crazy every single time they heard a noise and thought it was him.
I wasn't at my best when he left...overweight, by quite a bit...weak, dragging butt to do anything, even the slightest thing around the house. Sure, I had bursts of energy and got some things done, but on an every day basis...I didn't have the energy I needed.
All these many months later, I'm many pounds lighter...actually 67#. I'm able to do alot more without getting tired. I've had rough days...and lots of good ones too.
Am I fine? No.
Oh yeah, I'm doing OK...but not truly over everything. I don't have closure. There's that word so many people throw around. Closure.
I'm still married. But, I feel like a widow, since my husband was here one day and gone the next. We don't talk, I haven't seen him since he left and said he'd be back home in a few weeks. It's like he's gone POOF!
Today I saw the new Doctor, mainly to see if I could get a medical excuse to not have to be on Jury Duty in Detroit, of all places. Not only did I get that excuse, which she faxed to the Court...but I got a lot more. She could see how stressed I was...not only in my face...but my blood pressure. So, now I will be taking blood pressure medication. Hopefully, with more weight loss and the pills, it will make a big difference. Like they always say, people who have high blood pressure don't feel ill. I certainly didn't. I also go back to see her in a few weeks...for fasting blood work. Oh yippee!
I guess all of that comes as we get older and we're under stress.
She asked me alot of questions today, which I really appreciated. And after hearing some of the things that have transpired in the past year, she asked if I was in counseling. I said no, that I was doing well. But, I've been thinking...maybe it would be a good thing to see someone, join a church group or something...just to help me adjust a bit more...to get me off to a good start in the 2nd year of my life...on my own.
Some of you may remember my posts on Domestic Violence. I did those a few years ago, for quite some time...and then abruptly stopped doing them. I suffered at the hands of an abuser, who beat me many years ago. ONCE! That was it! I left him. Didn't take phone calls from him or anything. I shared that
here. The reason for the end of my posts on the subject of Domestic Violence? I felt awful posting about it and suggesting those suffering to get help...when I was suffering myself...and NOT getting help.
With Alzheimer's, comes lots of symptoms. Lots of symptoms. I'd been emotionally beaten down...and physically injured as well, by the man I loved and was married to. But, I didn't feel I could LEAVE him...because this was caused by a medical condition...and he wasn't himself any longer. I'm thankful [I know that sounds odd] that he left - for both of our sakes. I have forgiven him for all of the things that transpired between us. I wish him well. Being able to do that, was a gift from God.
But...there is still "stuff" that bothers me...upsets me...makes me wonder if I'll ever have a life again, if I will ever be the outwardly active person I was before all of this. So, maybe I will seek out someplace where I can get some help...like a group at church.
I'm healing my body, now I need to continue healing my mind and spirit as well.
Please, include me in your prayers...I appreciate them so much.
Hugs,
Jan