The PuppyKids Are Back Home With Me

Late Thursday afternoon, after speaking to the Mrs. of the couple who took my Pups almost 3 weeks ago, a friend and I went to their house for a visit.  A visit that I hoped would end with me bringing my Pups back home.  3 weeks ago, when the Pups initially stayed with this couple, we knew there would be a trial period of about 3 weeks, in case either of us saw a need to have the pups come back to live with me.

All of the PuppyKids, after baths and grooming...

Left to Right:  Angel, Rosie & Jasper

My friend and I arrived and the couple welcomed us, as did my Pups!  I said we needed to sit down because I was there to talk to them.  I said I felt that in talking to them, that they may have taken on too much with 3 small dogs.  They asked if I wanted to take them back home.

Today Marks Two Years

Two Years, yes, it's been two years today, since my husband moved out of our "forever" home.  I remember that day well and all the conversations I had with God - both that day and every day since.  I asked Him to help me forgive, to put me back together again, because, let's face it, I was falling apart.  Apart, not just from my husband leaving me, but health-wise, emotionally, spiritually and every way imaginable.

Time Has Flown

It seems almost impossible that an entire year has slipped by already.  A year ago this past Sunday, April 3, 2015, was when my husband moved out of our home.  At the time I thought I'd be just fine.  But, underneath, I also thought it would be quite difficult.  Both were pretty much true.

There were plenty of things to keep me busy...like all the un-done chores and painting and setting up a daily schedule for Chores and my huge To Do List.  There was time I took just for myself...to heal my heart.  There was time that I devoted to my 3 Pups...to get them through the first couple of months of them missing their "daddy"...and driving me crazy every single time they heard a noise and thought it was him.

I wasn't at my best when he left...overweight, by quite a bit...weak, dragging butt to do anything, even the slightest thing around the house.  Sure, I had bursts of energy and got some things done, but on an every day basis...I didn't have the energy I needed.

All these many months later, I'm many pounds lighter...actually 67#.  I'm able to do alot more without getting tired.  I've had rough days...and lots of good ones too.

Am I fine?  No.

Oh yeah, I'm doing OK...but not truly over everything.  I don't have closure.  There's that word so many people throw around.  Closure.  

I'm still married.  But, I feel like a widow, since my husband was here one day and gone the next.  We don't talk, I haven't seen him since he left and said he'd be back home in a few weeks.  It's like he's gone POOF!

Today I saw the new Doctor, mainly to see if I could get a medical excuse to not have to be on Jury Duty in Detroit, of all places.  Not only did I get that excuse, which she faxed to the Court...but I got a lot more.  She could see how stressed I was...not only in my face...but my blood pressure.  So, now I will be taking blood pressure medication.  Hopefully, with more weight loss and the pills, it will make a big difference.  Like they always say, people who have high blood pressure don't feel ill.  I certainly didn't.  I also go back to see her in a few weeks...for fasting blood work.  Oh yippee!

I guess all of that comes as we get older and we're under stress.  

She asked me alot of questions today, which I really appreciated.  And after hearing some of the things that have transpired in the past year, she asked if I was in counseling.  I said no, that I was doing well.  But, I've been thinking...maybe it would be a good thing to see someone, join a church group or something...just to help me adjust a bit more...to get me off to a good start in the 2nd year of my life...on my own.

Some of you may remember my posts on Domestic Violence.  I did those a few years ago, for quite some time...and then abruptly stopped doing them.  I suffered at the hands of an abuser, who beat me many years ago.  ONCE!  That was it!  I left him.  Didn't take phone calls from him or anything.  I shared that here.   The reason for the end of my posts on the subject of Domestic Violence?  I felt awful posting about it and suggesting those suffering to get help...when I was suffering myself...and NOT getting help.  

With Alzheimer's, comes lots of symptoms.  Lots of symptoms.  I'd been emotionally beaten down...and physically injured as well, by the man I loved and was married to.  But, I didn't feel I could LEAVE him...because this was caused by a medical condition...and he wasn't himself any longer.  I'm thankful [I know that sounds odd] that he left - for both of our sakes.  I have forgiven him for all of the things that transpired between us.  I wish him well.  Being able to do that, was a gift from God.

But...there is still "stuff" that bothers me...upsets me...makes me wonder if I'll ever have a life again, if I will ever be the outwardly active person I was before all of this.  So, maybe I will seek out someplace where I can get some help...like a group at church.

I'm healing my body, now I need to continue healing my mind and spirit as well.

Please, include me in your prayers...I appreciate them so much.

Hugs,

Jan

Memories...

Ten years ago today, I was getting ready to Marry the Love of my Life...my Best Friend and the Person I was going to Live the Rest of My Life with.  Today though, we are not celebrating an Anniversary.  We aren't even together anymore.  And that breaks my heart.  That's not the way things were supposed to work out.  After all, we had a plan for our lives.  We felt certain that God had brought us together and we made a commitment to each other.  We had a home built for us...that we called our last earthly home, which we would share forever.  After years of Alzheimer's Symptoms, he decided he was going to...
abandon me on April 3, this year...2015.

I just couldn't let today pass by without marking this date with a post.  The hardest part is dealing with the fact that the dream has died.  I know he won't be coming back to me.  He's been gone nearly 3 months and won't even talk to me.  Oh, I know that God could work a miracle - one for both of us...a great change in our hearts and minds.  That I know.  And if He does, that would be wonderful.

But, I have been moving on with my life.  I've had to.  I have a house {1650 square feet} a garden with a courtyard, 3 Pups and everything else to look after and take care of.  I have to once again do everything myself.  Now...that's not all bad!  I can do everything my way and there is no one to grumble about it!!  LOL!

Now...don't go feeling sorry for me.  I really am doing just fine.  I've gotten so many things done around here...and have taken care of so many things!  I've been feeling better than ever and the PuppyKids are doing great now too!

We don't sit around and feel sorry for ourselves.  We have our own fun.  And I've been out and about a bit more...made a few friends, found a new church {about 3 months ago} and I even was able to locate a dear friend of mine who I'd lost contact with.  She doesn't have internet...and she doesn't even live near me.  We don't talk often and we certainly don't see each other very often - as a matter of fact, I haven't seen her in over 10 years!  But, we've always been able to "pick up" right where we left off last time.  We've always been that way.  And when I found her phone number after doing a huge internet hunt for her...we picked right up where we were 7 or 8 years ago.  We're ♥ friends.  I'm sure you know what I mean.  It's great to have someone like that.  

So...I'm off to hang a couple of replacement pleated shades, hang a few valances, maybe sweep and wash the garage floor...and oh yeah, make my Strawberry Fields Salad for dinner.  

One Month Ago...

 I think about the man I married 10 years ago.  He was the kindest and most loving man when we met and married.  He truly loved me and did all he could to see to it that I was happy.  He did all the little things I've wanted someone to do.  He thought about me during the day and picked up the phone to let me know.  Now he doesn't call at all.  I remember his promises to me.  He said he'd love me forever and take care of me and that he'd never leave me.  The man who left me and the Pups isn't the man that I married - he wouldn't do that.  

He wouldn't see a doctor for his memory problems, so wasn't formally diagnosed...but he has shown quite a few symptoms over the years, of Alzheimer's, which his mother had.  Alzheimer's changes a person.  It can make someone unrecognizable, confused...even mean.  It can leave the person feeling confused, scared and alone.  It can make them do things out of the ordinary...making them into someone they really aren't.

Did we argue?  Yes, like most married couples I know.  Did we say and do things we regret?  Yes...I did and I'm quite sure he would say the same thing.  

Tom moved out of our home one month ago today. He packed up his belongings and walked right out the door - and never looked back! {The poor Pups...I feel so awful for them. They sit here, looking out the window...waiting for him to return.} 

This past month has been very hard on me.  I am in mourning over the fact that Tom isn't here with me in the home we moved into shortly after our wedding.  I'm mourning over the life that was to be...this was to be our last home - where we would love each other and live together until the end of our lives.  He often bragged to people about how I designed the interior of our house, as well as our walled-in courtyard.  Everything I did inside and outside our home was my way of showing love and affection for him.  The same with my cooking and baking.

I cry over the way all of this happened.  I cry because we didn't get to live out our "dream".  I cry because I love him and miss him.  I cry for the man I know he was and and how different he is now. 

Will he ever come home to be with me again?  Does he even think about that?  Does he think about me at all?  Does he think about the Pups he loved so much?  Only time will tell.  

I pray he finds peace and comfort...now and forever.

I had planned to return to blogging, but I will be staying away for a while longer - on my break.  I will continue posting that wonderful LIVING IT OUT devotion!  I plan to return soon...to my usual posts, but until then, please keep us both in your prayers, They are very much appreciated.

Tom Since his Cancer Diagnosis...Final Update

On January 12th, Tom went to the ER for a cough he'd had for quite some time.  It wasn't getting any better...actually, it had gotten worse overnight.  After being at the hospital for about 5 hours, having tests and seeing doctors...he was diagnosed with Lung Cancer and Metastases to the Liver.

We saw an oncologist within a couple of days and that got the ball rolling with tons of tests - Cat Scans, MRI's, blood work and then...
a biopsy.

Well, to make a long story short - it took 6 weeks in "real" time - but Tom does NOT have cancer anywhere in his body!  Yes, that's what I said - NO CANCER!

Everything they found in the scans in the ER that made them diagnose Lung cancer with Mets in January, was still there in his lung two weeks ago, when the biopsy was done.  So was what they saw on his liver.  But, the biopsy showed massive infection and NO cancer.  The liver has some lesions that are called hemangiomas, which are not cancer.

...FINAL UPDATE...

So for the past 2 weeks Tom was taking anti-biotics for the lung infection and then he had another Cat Scan done to see if there was improvement and that the infection was gone or going away.  The doctor's office called back later that same day to let us know that the infection was gone and that he was healing nicely and wouldn't have to be re-checked for at least a year.  He's got the all clear from the doctor!

What happened that the ER could so wrongly diagnose Cancer?  We don't know.  There is nothing we can do about it.  I wish we weren't left with the mountain of bills from all of the testing.  But, our attorney is helping us out there.  {No we're not suing - that is left for cases who are wrongly diagnosed the other way.}  We're glad that it wasn't cancer and that the infection is gone.

Thanks for all of your prayers.

Cancer Update...

Tom doesn't have cancer...anywhere!  Not in his Brain, Liver, Bones or Lung. He does have an infection in his lung that has been difficult to eliminate. It causes him to cough repeatedly throughout the day and night. {If you missed the previous posts about this...read them HERE.} Everything that the doctors in the ER saw in the x-Ray, MRI and Cat Scan is STILL there
but it isn't CANCER! But based on the preliminary results, they diagnosed Lung Cancer with Mets to the Liver. And the oncologist suspected...
it was in his Bones and Brain, too. But after a multitude of additional scans, MRI's, x-rays and biopsies...it turned out that the spots on the liver are hemangiomas {nothing serious} and just Infection in the lung {being treated with antibiotics and a follow up MRI later this week}. Nothing in the brain and nothing in the bones.
Can you believe this?
The Doctor who did the biopsy called here last night and gave the results of the biopsy to both of us on the phone.
Now, we just have to wait until he's finished his 14 days of anti-biotics and another Cat Scan to see what's going on with that infection...then I will update again. Keep praying! ♥

Snowstorm 2015 and More

This past Saturday and Sunday was our big 2015 SNOWSTORM!  We broke a record with 16.5"!  We have drifts that look like Waves, and some that stand nearly 4 feet high!  No power loss, so we stayed warm.  Naturally with that kind of snowfall, Tom's Oncologist's office called Sunday night at 9pm to let us know that the office would be closed on Monday and that we should call in for another appointment.  This was the appointment when we were...

to find out the results of all the tests hubby has had in the past 2 weeks....something like 4 Cat Scans, a Bone scan and 3 MRI's...all of different areas and with and without contrast.

Now, our appointment is next Tuesday, February 10th.

That's why I haven't updated my Blog with a post about the findings.  Also, I've been extremely busy the past 2 weeks, making lists of things needing to be tended to...getting hubby to do his share and me doing mine.  Things are progressing.  Sorry I haven't been visiting and commenting much recently.  I do look, but can't think of anything to say...I'm just at a loss for words.

Tom's daughter has come over several times (sometimes with a couple of other people) to shovel our 650 square foot courtyard (for our Pups), our sidewalk and the drive-way, since hubby can't do it all himself...and I can't shovel at all.

This is our Sweetie Girl, Angel.  She is a Coton de Tulear and will be 2 in July.  She had just come in from outdoors...running around our courtyard with Jasper and Rosie...and continued running around in the house.  She jumped up in the bed in the office and I quickly snapped a picture!  How cute!!

I hope you're enjoying the Devotions I've been posting lately.  It seems nearly every one of them that I get in an email, speaks to me and my situation...and I know I must share them!  And besides, there isn't much to post about.

From Stumped...To This

As I sit here at the computer, I wonder what I should post about or how I should reply to an email.  I find both equally difficult - so if I haven't responded to your email, that's why.  I'm just going to see where this goes here.  I would like to post about something, but I'm just not sure what I should post about.  I think...oh I"ll post something funny...or I'll post a recipe...or post...
something about the pups...but I don't feel "funny", don't have a recipe and the pups are fine!  Then, I think ok, I'll post more about what's going on around here...but I don't know what more there is to say.  I don't know if I want to talk about it.  I don't know if anyone wants to hear more.

I do want to thank everyone for the comments, prayers and kind emails I've received.  I'm stumped!

Since Tom was diagnosed with lung cancer that has matastases in the liver and quite possibly the brain just 4 days ago, our lives have been turned upside down.  If you didn't see earlier posts about this...click HERE to read them.  Most of the time, I feel ok...like I'm doing alright.  Then there are times when I just want to scream!   Like right now!  I've even felt angry...angry that he didn't go to the doctor all the times I tried to get him to go.  Angry that nothing I said ever got through to him.  Angry that I put up with all of the nastiness and abuse instead of putting my foot down and insisting something be done.

Then there is everything that has never been done around here...and we've lived in this house nearly 9 years.  I'm somewhat limited as to what I can and can not do.  I find it very difficult to climb a ladder...whether it's to change a lightbulb, dust the top of a cabinet or to paint.  But, there are rooms in our home that have never been painted.  I need curtain rods to be put up, which I've had sitting in the corner of the rooms where they go, for probably 2 years.  "I'll get to it later" is what I've always heard.  There are things that need to be repaired...a bathroom sink that can't be used and hasn't been used for probably 4 years...and more.

It's not like I have the money to hire a painter or handy-man...so, if we can't get it done before things change {and I know they will...I just know}...it will all be on me.  

Move?  I've thought about that.  I've also thought we should sell the house and move to my home state of Wisconsin.  I've thought about moving our house, that's one of the nice things about it being a manufactured home, it can be taken apart and transported in half, by truck.

I've thought about a Tiny House.

But we had this house built in 2006, knowing it would be our last house...and we weren't in it hoping to gain equity, because these houses don't.  If we were to sell our house...we'd get far less than what we paid for it.  Far less - like less than half what we paid for it.

At a time like this, besides praying, one must be practical.  With just the ER visit the other day, which consisted of a cat scan and x-rays, and who knows what else {I wasn't there, didn't know it would turn out the way it did, or I would have been}, we have nearly $10,000 in expenses and they all haven't been tallied yet, billing said.  It sure does add up quickly.  Medicare pays 80/20 after you pay your deductible.  So, we could be at $3500-$4000.  Now there are 2 cat scans, a bone scan, an MRI and a biopsy that will be done in the coming days.  Then the oncologist's fees.  And who knows what after that.

I've always been the care-giver...whether it be when someone's sick...or when things are going badly...everyone looks to me to take care of it...all of it!  I don't know if it's that I'm getting older...or that I've been taking care of so much for so many years.  I've done this all of my life...since I was a young child.  But, I know certain things need to get done...and since I'm not the affected one...I know it's going to be me.  

Part of me says I can handle it.  I've handled it before.  I can do it again.  I'll be all the stronger for it...after all, I have God walking along side me.  And I don't like to whine...it's irritating!

But, then there's the side of me who wants to flee.  I know I won't/can't...but boy, it would certainly be a relief.

This week, I have to take Rosie, our Toy Poodle who will be 4 years old on Valentine's Day to the Vet.  She got 2 lumps on her...one on her backside and one on her shoulder.  Hopefully, it won't be anything serious...and that she'll be OK.

You know how most of us pick a word for the NEW YEAR before it begins...and I was waiting to see what might come to me for mine...when I got alot more than just one word.  If you look at my Blog Banner, you'll see it.  

Breathe     Be present in the "Now"     Relax

The evening of Tom's diagnosis, I sat here, staring at my computer...my blog and looked at those words.  I know without God, I couldn't possibly do all that!  And I know I got those words from Him to be reminded throughout this coming journey...to Breathe and not hold things in.  To be present in the "Now", so that I can grasp all that is happening...and to Relax in Jesus' arms.

With all that's going on...I have Jesus by my side.  That's the only way I will get through it.

My prayer right now is that my husband and I can help each other through this battle.  I know the cancer could be making him behave the way he is and have been for years.  This is so hard.  Can I ask you to please pray with me?

Tom's Update...

This morning, Tom took a call from his daughter.  First words out of his mouth were I've decided to do the tests and everything!  Imagine my shock surprise when I heard that!!  He hadn't told me yet.  After the call, I asked him when he decided that...and he said lastnight, while we were sitting in the Great Room watching TV. When I asked why he hadn't told me...he said, "are you sure I didn't tell you?"  I said NO.  Then came question after question...
repeated and repeated.  Only to occur again and again in the past half hour.  This is quite hurtful...and I'm trying not to take it personally.

[Tom's photo is from 6 or 7 years ago...when he was healthier - both physically and mentally]

I know these signs could be caused by the liver cancer, which can cause jaundice {which I've seen a couple of times in the past week}, bleeding easily {which has happened to him alot, more recently}, and changes in mental function, such as drowsiness, agitation, or confusion.  

I appreciate the prayers...keep them coming!

Update - Prayer Request...

After Tom refused for years, to see a Doctor, he finally decided he needed to see one today.  He's been sick with a cough and some pain in his upper chest on one side...for 2 1/2 weeks.  He's had no energy.  He doctored himself.  Then his cough got worse.  He and I barely slept lastnight, with all his coughing.  He was very restless...and so was I.

This morning he told me he was going to go to the ER in Toledo.  They did tests and informed him that he has a cancer in his lung, with...
 metastases to the liver...and...pneumonia.  The doctors wanted him to be admitted to the hospital, but Tom wanted to come home tonite.  He said he had alot of things to do and get straightened out before either checking into the hospital or seeing the doctors whose phone numbers he was given.  He left home in the morning at 10am and didn't return until nearly 5:00pm.  He'd been given an intravenous with what he said, should give him some energy.

When he got home, he was a bit confused as to what exactly his condition was.  He said pneumonia and that he would see the oncologist to see if any of what they saw in the MRI, CT Scan and X-rays could be cancer.  Yet his paperwork from hospital ER says his Diagnosis is:  Cancer with Mets and Secondary Diagnosis: Pneumonia.  He says the doctors can't diagnose cancer, the oncologist will.  He sees the oncologist Friday 8am and at that time she will explain the test results and what all of it means and he'll also find out what treatment she recommends.  I am going with him.

Please continue the prayers.

I've Got Alot To Pray & Think About...

I appreciate all the love, concern and prayers you have all offered me, since my post late lastnight.   Thank you!  I just wanted to let you all know that I will be leaving BlogLand for a while.  I will be trying to figure things out...and make a plan.  Since Tom blew up my computer a while back and deleted stuff from it, certain aspects have not worked correctly.  And now with my

printer out of commission too, I've just had it.  In a conversation tonite, I asked him to find me a printer tomorrow when he's out and about town.  His response?  Well, you'd better give me the money.  I told him I wasn't paying for another thing around here.  Then he said...well, then it looks like you won't have a working computer or a printer...no food, no clothing, no nothing.  And then he said, since the dogs are YOURS, you can take them up, clean up after them, buy their food and pay their Vet bills.  Nice, huh?  He's been physically abusive, verbally abusive and mentally abusive as well.  

I have to save every single penny I have in order to have anything when things change, as I know they will.  I'm just so sick and tired of all the crap.  I'm so sad it's come to this...but, it has.  Perhaps I'll stop around and update my blog on where and what I'm doing...I don't know.  Thanks for being my friend.