I'm At the End of My Rope...and Feeling Sad

I don't know about you...but I've often wondered if anything were to happen to me and I wasn't able to blog again, how all of my blogging friends would find out.  Maybe you'll say I'm being morbid, but I don't think I am.  It seems all of my friends are on-line.  Once I make friends here and have them over to my home, I never see them again...or they avoid coming over again.  And I

know why.  Some of you know the problems I've been having with Tom and his behavior.  He is either playing games or he's got the beginnings of Alzheimer's or something worse.  The reason I say I think he may be playing games is, he can remember when he wants to...he can do things without asking a million questions about how to do them...go grocery shopping quickly (rather than being a 2-hr excursion) and he can act so nice and friendly when he wants to.  Another reason that I think he may be playing
games is, he's always telling me to leave "his" house.

He tells me it's his house, because the downpayment came from his 401K (but we were married when we bought the house and my name is on the Title).  He does things to irritate me so much that I get upset and yell.  (Yes, I do!  I yell!)  Then he laughs and says you're going to die...you're going to have a heart attack or a stroke.  Then I will be out of his house.

When I moved here from Wisconsin, I came with the money from a Sale of all my furnishings and belongings.  I paid for the new furniture...and accessories.  I've paid for many, many things around the house in nearly 10 years...as well as most of the things we have for the Pups.  But he doesn't count that as anything!  He could walk into a house full of all new furniture and accessories and never even notice.  He bangs his head against a countertop or door frame or with his fist when he gets ticked off.  He never compliments my cooking...unless I ask him...which I don't do anymore.  I could feed him dog food and he'd never even know it.  Now that's sad.

He doesn't take care of things that we've spent good money on.  A brand new Moen kitchen faucet - one that sits up high with the pull down sprayer...and he'll pound on the handle to shut it off, if he's upset about something.  He gets angry that the Pups have to go potty so often.  He slams doors.  He whines and complains about it and makes a big production out of it.  Since they've been sick, going to the bathroom when they bark to be let out is an urgent thing, yet he takes time to go to the bathroom BEFORE they do.

He's one of the meanest men I've ever met now.  He ignores me most of the time...doesn't pay attention when I talk to him...and doesn't care.  When I ask why he acts this way, he doesn't answer.  Whenever I ask why he's done something the way he did...he doesn't answer.  When I need him in another room (say for instance, one of the dogs is throwing up)...he doesn't respond...and takes his good natured time in getting there.

When he retired several years ago (he's 71), he insisted that I needed to take my Social Security - something I shouldn't have agreed to do - I was only 62.  You know...there's a difference in the amount of money I got and 62 and what I would have gotten when I turned 65 this year.  But, he said I needed to have my own spending money...and I needed to start paying my share!  Yeah, imagine that!  He wasn't going to pay for the few things I need.  After getting married and him promising to take care of me, this is what I get.

And he constantly says that I couldn't survive without him.  Even if I had all the money in the world!  He has forgotten the things I've been through and the fact that I was single 19 years before I married him.  Hmmmmmm.

I can be sad, upset and crying...I'm feeling so stressed...and he doesn't care.  It's been about 6-7 years that he's been this way.  There is nothing to our relationship...nothing.  

I've prayed...and prayed...and prayed.  And yet...nothing changes.  I've continued to do things around the house, even though I've had a hard time doing those things with Bell's Palsy.  I've been sick over 2 1/2 years now.  I have sole responsibility of taking care of the Pups...he may occasionally comb them...or get them water.  Since they've been sick (and are back on the medication again, as of today), he doesn't know when or how much meds they need.  He has no idea when they get the Sentinel Heartworm protection...or anything else about them.  He doesn't know birthdates, problems they've had, shots, nothing.  Oh, he knows the dry dog food they eat.

I've continued making great meals and taking care of myself.  I've mentioned going places, doing things and it's always met with a brick wall.  No interest.  Argues against doing it.

He does mundane things around here like vacuuming, shoveling, cutting the grass and that's it.  When it comes to painting, taking care of maintenance things on the cars or in the house...it's like pulling teeth to get him to do them.  He has a rant.  He'd rather sit or stand at his computer playing games.  He'd rather sit in a chair and sleep - or stare into space for hours. 

He goes off about things...he's taken swings at me, he's shoved me and he even slammed my hand in the house door.  It looked and felt really bad - all bleeding and full of gouges.  I couldn't move my fingers for weeks...and had to explain to my Massage Therapist what had happened.  If one of the pups is going into the wrong bowl to eat, he'll pop them in the side of the head.  I've often wondered to myself, if he did anything to Benny - to hurt him - before he died.  He wasn't upset when we had to put Benny to sleep last year.

I know...this sounds terrible...but I've been living with this for years.  We don't pray together, much less do anything else together.  Our vacation last week was a disaster.  He was constantly argumentative.  He threatened to leave our house when we got back home and leave me with all the bills.  He threatened to clear out our small and meager savings account.  He was worse on vacation...than at home.  I've gotten to the point where I don't ever want to take another vacation with him.  

I would love to finally be able to breathe again...and lower my stress level.  I would love to not live like this anymore.  But, here's the rub.  

I JUST WANT SOME PEACE & QUIET AND A SOFT PLACE TO LAND.  I don't want to go through this every day.  My Bell's Palsy and the problems the Pups have been experiencing is exaserbated by the turmoil and stress in our home. 

I'm sure you're wondering about ME...and what part I may play in all of this.  I'm no angel after putting up with this all these years.  I swear and yell, I say things I shouldn't (I do it for their SHOCK value - to get him to say something - to have a response - anything!).  All he does is MOCK me.  He repeats most of what I say...like an echo.

Thanks for listening...or reading...Please include us in your prayers.