Nostalgic - Melancholy

All truth be told, I am being a bit nostalgic...longing for things, persons & situations of the past & being homesick.  When I saw this lovely painting by Josephine Wall...it had me in tears.  I've been thinking about days gone by family and friends left behind, happier moments...alot lately.  Perhaps because it's getting colder and daylight is more scarce OR because the Holidays are fast approaching, I'm reminiscing about the past.  Normally...
I wouldn't be sharing what I'm about to share, but I just need to get it out.  I need to be real.  I haven't been posting as often as I used to - nor  sharing projects around here - or anything about my re-decorating projects, because - there simply hasn't been that much done around here.

 I haven't been up to doing those things - or sharing about them.  So, I thought with the mood I've been in the last week, I would open up and let you see me...in a different way.  Understand, I don't want pity or judgement - just friends who I know visit here - who care and who will pray for us.

It's been 8 1/2 years since I moved to Michigan.  Hubby and I met on a Christian dating site and he was certain he didn't want to move - especially out of state.  And he had 5 grown children and a slew of grandchildren and a job he'd been at for numerous years.  I had a job in Sales and 2 grown boys in Wisconsin, along with my friends.  I decided that since I could always get a job in sales - anywhere - that it made more sense for me to be the Move-ee.  And, besides, I'd moved so many times in my life already and to other states, I figured this one would be like all the others.

 In the beginning, I held onto that hope that this move would be just as delightful as all the others...but that quickly faded when the behavior of Tom's grown children deteriorated.  They made it known they didn't like their father's decision to remarry.  They made that clear before and after the wedding.  They would invite him to birthday parties and Christmas, but not me...and he would tell them that if I wasn't invited, he wasn't going.  No matter what I said, he stuck to his guns and didn't go. 

 They didn't like the fact that he'd brought me to live in their mother's house either.  Things went downhill and one by one, his children quit talking to him...and of course, me. 

 It got to the point that within a couple of months of our wedding, hubby decided we'd sell his house and buy something of our own.  He thought that would help his children accept "us".  Of course it didn't.  As we cleared out the house before putting it on the market, they all were invited over to select from the items we were not taking to our new house.  They went home with their cars packed with mementos and other things from their mom and dad's house.  And never spoke to us again.  It's now been at least 6 1/2 years!

Tom had lots of friends at his church.  After I moved here, the more I was around them, the more they missed hubby's first wife and spoke about her.  I never said anything to him, because I didn't want to complain.  One day he saw it for himself - after his best friend and pastor sent me from the church in tears while he was at work.  He decided that perhaps it was time we find a new church home, where no one knew about his first wife.  Before we just up and left, we made an appointment to talk with the pastor.  He talked to him about his first wife and how he should think about her and what they had - and ignored me, not talking or looking at me.  That was the final straw for him and we left.

At the time all this was going on, I knew that one day all of this would get turned around and I would be accused of driving everyone away and being happy that no one is talking to him.  It's been quite a while I've lived with those accusations.  And I can't stand it anymore.

After one of his daughters had some major happenings in her life, she finally called him.  She even talked about me with him.  She opened up about what was going on and how she felt about the things happening in her life.  She then asked him if we'd come over to her house.  I heard him tell her that he'd talk to me and then get back to her with a date.  He has never done that - and never intended to call her back either.  How do I know?  I asked him when we were going to pick a date to go and when he would be calling her back - and he said, "Never!  I'll bet you're happy with that."  He's said other things like that - mean things - to me about how I'd be happy if he never ever saw his kids again.  It's not true.  I wish hubby wouldn't tell his kids he'll call - or we'll get together and not do it.  He's also told them, in the past, that I'm the reason he doesn't call them.  But it's not - not really.  It's totally his decision.  

There are so many other things I could tell you about what has been said and done over this situation, but I just can't bring myself to do that.  I'm usually a very private person and I've already said way more than I thought I would.  I've even re-read what I've typed here and deleted a whole bunch of it!

So, when I'm away - or when I'm here posting - but don't seem like my old self - or that I'm getting much of anything done - you know why now.

Nearly 9 years living this way, takes a toll.

And I have 2 sons and friends in Wisconsin...and many good Christmas memories that have me nostalgic and being melancholy at this time.  I wish I could be in Wisconsin for the Holidays - something I haven't done since I moved here.

I have mentioned selling our house and moving to Wisconsin - but he has said absolutely not!  He has no intention of moving...and won't talk about it at all.

Being nostalgic about the past - takes me to Wisconsin, because so much of the time here in Michigan has been stressful - and there's not so much to be nostalgic about here.

I just want to enjoy life...to be happy...to have my sons and friends around and to enjoy doing my projects again.  It would be so exciting to see beyond the Gates we've put up around us.  I'm praying we'll figure this all out - that God will show us the way!  Soon.  

Thanks for listening...or reading.  I appreciate it.